It's Not Supposed to be This Way...

It's nearly fall, which throughout most of the US, means it's back to school time... I made the mistake of running to the store for a few items and it was like Christmas Eve! Everyone was shopping for school stuff... I went for mason jars...

Speaking of school... God knows exactly how I learn...

My mother used to have an expression for people who were hard-headed learners, "... You don't believe fat meat is greasy... You need to see the grease running!" For some folks, seeing is believing just as experience is the best teacher... school of hard knocks... You just gotta love those turns of phrases - idioms... They are SO to the point, when you're not the brightest crayon in the box... Like using CAPITALS or ellipsis.... or italics or bold print - these tactics sometimes get your attention and make the point... Sometimes not.

I was somewhere in the mix of these thoughts...

I recall being eighteen, just barely on the cusp of being a young woman, (this was back in the 70's when being 18 was adulthood kinda, at least more so than now). I declared emphatically, I was never getting married and never having children...  I did both... God knew I was not too dependent upon Him. I was the mistress of my own universe and I probably could have coined the term and foolishly believed, "I got this!" Folks have difficulty taking me now... They should be thanking God they didn't know me then and feel sorry for those who did... I foolishly believed, 'I knew it all'. Oh ....and I was right!

I know, typical for the age, however, still annoying.

....But it wasn't supposed to be "that way"... Not - my way...

It's not that I had so much of a pompous attitude - I didn't flaunt my greatness... I just didn't engage with people and had my world running like a fine tuned Swiss watch... Tick... tick... tick... The control thing was/is how I ruled the craziness in my world after being raped as a child and keeping the despectable madness under wraps til.... At 22, I abdicated my throne to my husband and submitted to his will, (usually without question, (what happened to that 18 year old with spunk?  '... Love was blind, deaf, and dumb...'. Read the July 2016 posting - again!)).


...But it wasn't supposed to be this way either... Following something created... like me, something flawed...

It would have been 39 years as of August16, but; things went sour at a lightening speed at year 35 and then I was standing in divorce court on 11/23/2016, ...

Ah... the reasoning for this post... That jump from year 35... to the present... It's not supposed to be this way... Like the occasional burnt popcorn that you eat after microwaving a bag... It looks all good then you take a handful... then... you chew and taste... burnt popcorn... Agh!

Let me explain...

That spunky 18 year old, mistress of her universe - nope wasn't supposed to be... God the Father was listening ever so closely to me when I made my declaration and said to Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the angelic host... whoever was in earshot of His gasp when I spoke my words, "... No she didn't"... If God has a face... one eyebrow went down and the other up... His head was cocked slightly upward and that look of disbelief and shock was on His face; at the foolish utterances of His beloved child, (by the way... No. God was not shocked at what I said, but I want you to get His face... If he had one...). He continued, "... That girl needs a wake-up call... Get my lesson book... She does not believe fat meat is.... She need a lesson on a humble spirit... She needs to have a tiny bit of an understanding of what I go through - just for her... Especially since she thinks she's in control! Mistress?! - My foot!"

God speaking: "Not getting married... WRONG.... Married... Not gonna have children... WRONG again! She thinks five is a full quiver... Let's give her six, cuz 'she's got it all together' ... Right! NOT!"

God Sighs... " Okay... Enough... I think she's getting it... Her spirit is strong and intact and her will is broken... Her will is aligning with Mine... She's becoming usable... Her heart is more pliable. She sees that training, rearing, teaching children is way more than a juggling act... It's about the sacrifice and the resurrection. You can't be THE ONE and be in control and be all knowing when children have  free will... Nina, you can't be god."

God speaking some more: "Beloved you can't see the future, the direction for the children I gave you... They are for you as much as you are for them... I planned this a long time ago...I know everyones direction... I know exactly how it's supposed to go... I know what it's going to take for you all to see Me! Even when it makes no sense to you..."

Me speaking: Cuz God has got this. I believe this, as sure as I know that, this world that we live in, is not supposed to be this way. I live in a sin-sick world. People, which I am one - mess up stuff ALL OF THE TIME! We mess up life even when it's not the intent... When it is the intent, it's selfish sin and evil or stupidity, not so much ignorance... Just think about it... Think about what you do... I know what I do and I admit it - I sin - everyday... not constantly, but throughout the day... It's embarrassing to me, because I say it loudly - I AM A CHRIST FOLLOWER! and not a very good one. Worst yet, it's heartbreaking to God as He reminds me, "Nina it's not supposed to be that way... I sent my Son, Jesus to pay the price for that sin...".  I repent, I acknowledge the sin... eventually... say, I'm sorry and walk in His forgiveness... till the next time... (and He forgives every time - no matter how many times - I sin and repent...)

Which brings me to the other side of the coin... Life! This life... truly, isn't supposed to be this way. God had something else planned - then Eve listened to a "talking serpent" and thought she could be in charge, (that mistress of the universe thing, when it was a new thought!)... And Adam, abdicated his throne and said, "Ok dear - I'm here, right behind you..." And after sinning they thought the beautiful, perfect bodies God gave them; were shameful, (aside: This is when sensuality became sinful folks - right there in the Garden!). They thought, leaves that they pulled from a living plant; that would eventually wither and die; would do the job better than God's handiwork... (Like - what made them think that was gonna work? Momma used to say to me all of the time, when I did stupid stuff,... "Who told you to think?" Not that thinking is wrong, but what I thought was so wrong... Stupid! I guess she figured, someone out there in our neighborhood, must have told me what they thought and it sounded like a good idea to me, so I jumped on it!)

Heavy sigh!

It wasn't supposed to be this way...

And just as Adam and Eve's minds were cluttered with deceit and questions that lead to confusion - at the conversation and questions of the talking serpent... All they had to do was go to Father GOD and inquire... All they had to do was ask... Our minds today are over the top full of stuff that we try so hard to understand we scream, "I Got This!" Ad nauseam...  and we don't! We don't even come close and like dear Adam and Eve,... we don't ask Father God... We don't talk to Him at all...

It's not supposed to be this way...

I get it...

Free will...

When we don't seek out God... When we've tried everything under the sun, to fix stuff, to make us happy... to achieve success... to be our own master and mistress of our universe... When we scream,... I did it my way... and it's still a mess... People!... before it's too late... TURN to GOD and let Him save you and love you and teach you,... answer your questions,... be your friend, ...be your Father,... be your God... be your everything, (cuz He's God and can). In Jesus' name...

Soli Deo Gloria
Nina

RileyClemmons -  Fighting for Me

I Must be Missing Something...

by Nina

I'm thinking I simplify life too much... However, given how very complicated life,... my life is, taking a lighter view; some may believe is a coping mechanism. 

It is not. 

Complicating ones life is the coping mechanism - the crutch. 

Imploding/complicating our lives with stuff... needless stuff in an effort to enjoy life with all the padding of the stuff - all the while, the only thing someone might be successful in doing is avoiding the touch of life - the true experience of life... all because of it's cold, ugly harshness. 

Sadly, in surrounding ourselves with stuff to avoid life, we also avoid...miss, the great things of life - the less is more, the common, the small... quiet that comes from simplifying.

Since my last posting at the turn of the new year, I've made some life changes. 

I've moved and I've retired, kinda; both events have created a re-evaluation of self and stuff. I've had to purge - but this is good. Thank God for external hard drives - so the electronic purge really was more virtual... I yet have ALL of those lesson plans... and pictures of student artifacts, (but who really cares?)...And I had so much other tangible stuff that went off to the Salvation Army... I'm ashamed to admit... at least 5 car loads - I should have rented a van. How did I get so much stuff?

As with my first move that I blogged about - moving exposes who we are for all to see... Fortunately, this move was more planned than my first and not under duress. Still my routines changed as I had to fit into my new space. The bureau, where I used to put my keys and glasses when arriving home, is not close to the front door... so where are these important items going to go so I can find them? New routine.  My old stuff,  the stuff I kept, was sitting in a new space. 

I had to shift... I had to simplify. I had to re-evaluate...

On top of purging old stuff I had to purge who I was...re-evaluate...re-define.

I will always be a daughter, mom, sister, aunt, cousin,... friend ... student, teacher, ... Roles change... I don't think I've purged these roles. They are a part of who I am... They are a part of the mix of the new me. But, change they do... 

Wife of 36 years became ex-wife of 3 years and counting. 
Teacher of nearly 19 years became retired teacher, now adjunct professor, (second time around). 
Nina of 60 years became Nina, whatever the good Lord has for me... (this has always been).

Sadly, in my years of teaching and living life; I have seen folks, myself included, chasing after stuff that will validate who we are - the padding that makes us believe we are ok, we are good, we are more than enough, more than we think we actually are... When Jesus has been saying all along... "Only One thing is needful", ... Mary has chosen that which is most important... 

One thing is needful - Jesus!

Simple!

Jesus is saying YOU are enough as you are... and I, (Jesus), am enough for you.

Too simple?

Scary simple.

It's scary simple because of the simplicity. We'd rather allow the world resound in our ears saying you need more, you must have more, you must be more... you are not enough...

Lies.

These lies create longings and most recently I've discovered - they create games that people play, so they can get more, (aka manipulation)... and leave you with less...  

Aside: (A little secret - I am very naive - one would think I lived a cloistered life - I kinda did for nearly 50 years - I closed myself off from the world - didn't really engage... Stayed in the bubble... Read my postings it's all woven throughout each one, but God redeems everything - even burst bubbles and mends the brokenhearted).

People rather complicate life with unbelievable selfish games so that they have the illusion of having the most - the most that does not satisfy but only is successful in creating an insatiable longing for more and so complicating life...more...

It's cyclical. 

Heck, I got off that treadmill. 

Why don't you?

Simple is better.


Soli Deo Gloria,
Nina

Storms - 2019

Storms
By Nina B.

We are on the cusp of a New Year, 2019, and I am engaging in what some folks do on this day - washing anything and everything that is dirty. I do laundry regularly, of course, but it's just on the days leading up to the new year - I clean - kinda like Jewish women who "sweep their homes of "leavening" in preparation for Passover". I don't do this "clean sweep" for any superstitious reasons - I simply like entering the New Year with a "clean slate" as it were - Don't judge! 

I'm sharing this insight into me... because, if you haven't noticed, I share many things with you. Just you.... :-) You're special!

It's rather easy to share with people I do not know. It's like starting up a heavy conversation with people on the train. We are very unlikely to meet and if we do... then you'll know all about me and I'll know nothing about you, so it will be your turn to share about yourself - how much fun will that be? :-)

I share my life because it's my testimony - evidence of my existence -  a recounting of my story. Some of you are interested because some of you find it odd but true... You think..."She a Christian...one of those people.... Egad!" Some good folks out there in cyber land think because I am a Christian, life is supposed to be good... And it was,... 
Once upon a time ...Before the fall... 
Then life as it was supposed to be, went to hell, because of sin, but then...
...it was redeemed by Jesus,... 
So... it's gonna get so much better - HEAVEN! 
...But not so much this life... not now...

I'm sorry if you thought it was gonna be roses from here on out... If it is... Santa Claus isn't the reason for the season, sweetie... and that Easter Bunny - nothing to do with the death and resurrection of Jesus...

I've lost you?! 

READ the BIBLE! Consider asking God to direct you. The New Testament Books of John, Romans, Hebrews, or Psalms from the Old Testament are all good starting points... 

Just READ... 

You'll be found. God hasn't lost you - you've lost yourself in so many other things, so many other ways... 

So, give Jesus a try. 

I'm just sayin'...

I digress...

The point of this quick post is because the other day when I was walking, it very grey and windy. I was so impressed with the visuals from God, that He reminded me,... it is during my storms that He is with me the most - holding tightly onto me, least I fall far, far... away. (He's with me 24/7, however, it is when I have need to cry out, "Abba, Father!" - that I recognize my need for Him, the most). 

To say that I am thankful for my storms does not make me self deprecating. I do not make light of hard, harsh times. However, I have learned and have grown sufficiently in faith, while enveloped within my storms. I have been stretched in ways that sunny daze never touch upon - in fact sunny daze - as the word implies lulls and sometimes dulls the senses. 

When times are sunny, fun, and bright - I know God is with me - He blesses me with a respite from the world. Otherwise, there is pain, heartache, and stress, and.... want and strife and conflict and so much more that turns my stomach sour and fills my brain with unspeakable crescendos of crashing waves... The storms...

These are two ducks equipped for the cold, icy lake

However, Father does not leave me ever alone - His Spirit is with me. I am equipped for whatever storm that comes my way - not because of my doing/equipping myself - but God equipping me and never leaving me - because He thinks I can go it on my own - not for one second. HE knows I can't make it without Him... 
You can't either! 
Remember when you tried? Are you being stiff-necked again? Who are you fooling? Remember we haven't met, yet...

Storms are sure to happen. I think I wrote about this a while ago - Storms like tests, show us what we are and what we are not - because sadly, we lie to ourselves - all - of - the - time! 
We suppose we are more - when we are not. 
Remember, the time you said you were "brave"? 
Remember what happened next? 
Not brave! 
...But you needed to be shown you were not, so you could be made into someone who is, for the sake of God's Kingdom. All in God's time... Hence, why some storms last so long... He knows how stubborn we are - how not ready we are... Remember, we are like sheep - not too bright!

Remember when you thought you had parenting 101 down?...Then your sweet little babies grew into spawns of satan! ... I mean teenagers... Oh, you say they're 2 and 4, (remember "little people - little problems... Big people - BIG PROBLEMS!") 

And someone out there is thinking about the storms that happen to those who are totally unsuspecting, like the child who was abused... the mom who dies of cancer leaving, no dad, but three bewildered children, the gas station clerk shot for $53.75... A daughter... a son, abandoned by mom... Someone you know committing suicide... Being hassled at a store, because they thought you were going to take something. Being told by your employer that you must do something against your core beliefs... I can go on and on naming tragedy after tragedy... 

Storms... 

You can too... 

...So can God... His only Son - being held responsible for everyone's sins...

Storms - 

Jesus! 

Simply, Jesus.

This is not a pat answer 

- it's everything.

Soli Deo Gloria,
Nina

Equipped for 2019? Storms are brewing...

Steppin' Into Sixty and More...

Steppin' Into Sixty and More... and the End of the Year...
by Nina B.

See, I'm not a cartoon!

I recently celebrated my sixtieth birthday... I look in the mirror and wonder who is that looking back at me...
But, really it matters little, arriving at this milestone gives perspective - a view from a determined point. Looking back, or around me now or even into the future, I know without a doubt that I am so blessed. There isn't a moment that I can ever say, 'my God dropped the ball'. Truly! ... And this is even through all the ugly, (see the posting from July 2016).

Being surrounded by family and friends is how God permeates the fiber of my soul and I experience His presence - not simply "feel it"...It's like floating in water - He supports me and it is effortlessly for Him but definitely not without cost.... because He is GOD!

I've had to "free up" some space on my cell phone because I fill it with pictures of sunrises and grandchildren, (not what I eat), and my thoughts and questions as I wait and/or ride the train, so I'll share with cyberspace and send this out into the world praying that it will not return void, because it is Soli Deo Gloria... so here it goes... some closing "thoughts" and questions for 2018:

This one was just today, (12/26/18):

Is it human nature to suppose, that people stay in the same boxes we perceive them to always be in? Do we not ever suppose - or imagine the potential - or is that something we only give lip service to and thus expect people to fail to live up to something more or something different - so we set OUR expectation low SO WE'RE not disappointed? Whatever happened to dreaming or hoping... Isn't this all apart of the HOW we should love one another? The sad part is that too many people settle on themselves as well. I have learned the hard way - that you can not make someone want more for themselves - you can only pray for them - at a safe distance - least you too - get pulled downward.

And now something crazy:

I live in a world where....

...we flavor Styrofoam cups and ripple the edges and call them "Veggie Chips"...

...Old men wear dark sunglasses on gray rainy Sunday mornings...

... If you listen through the noise - you can still hear the birds sing...

...Men would rather walk down ugly alleys, rather than pretty grassy pathways.... *

...Children are not people but seen as things to be used - like chairs.

Questions that people posed to me that I thought worth considering because God spoke them and now I'm posing them to you - yes, you! :

HOW do you value You?

What do you sacrifice to be who and what you are?

Why don't you allow your children free-will as God allows you?

Are you a stoic? A person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining?

Why do you think you can atone for your sins and everybody else's - STOP trying to be perfect in an effort to compensate for sin, (you're not and God is and did)?  It's OKAY to experience joy and love and FORGIVENESS - in fact it's what God desires most for you.

In September, I:

...Realized many people simply do not listen and/or they simply do not care and they have their own agenda and IT only matters!

In June, I...:

Realized... I am often thought of as less than I am -
People look at me and say, "You can't be sixty years old..." I can't have been an English professor or ceramics prof. I can't be a mom to six successful adults, (I still call them my babies)... I could not have adopted four of them. They say, I can't be telling the truth, when I've come out of my apartment by the lake on a 95 degree day to hear a former student do a poetry reading, downtown. I can't be a health conscious person - who researches what I eat and drink and take into this temple... I can't be a person who exercises...
Sadly, some people say, I can't be anything but an anomaly, (a health professional told me this once upon a time - I no longer visit with this person), so therefore I can't simply be.
It's a chore to weave the correct words, so that I am clearly understood and not leave any room for misinterpretation, that I am indeed me, and there is so much more that has gone into the making of me.
Sigh...
In truth, I'd much rather be doing something else, rather than weaving words so others can understand/know - me...

From Nelda a Wise Woman...:

"God leads you where He wants you to go [even if], nobody else is going" [but you and Him - so relax].

Reflections:

We see ourselves through the dust, grease, and grime that life spews on windows as they speed by - on the train -
all the way to the world outside my train ride.
It's not much better.
I watch my reflection.
I watch others and catch glimpses of them watching me.
They turn away quickly, as I do.
Both of us not understanding - there's nothing wrong in a look...
A meeting of two unconnected people fearing a connection.
How silly is that?

Beauty Queens:

Weathered beauty wrapped up in layers of cloth - old and dusty... One never knows who has sat in the seat where you chose to sit.

More Questions from Jan. 2018:

1. What was your prayer for tonight?
2. What is a moment that you live in?
3. Why do you suppose people hate you?
4. Why do you believe in God after being so deeply hurt?
5. If you were a picture book, what type of colors would be used?
6. How have you been available to help a friend - emotionally?
7. How have you extended yourself on any given day - or do you give no thought to others?
8. Do you think of others?
9. If nothing were asked of you in conversation, would you be content to just sit and say nothing?
10. If you were asked to sing a song what would it be?

A Funny/Odd Thought JAN. 3 2018:

The thing that I thought I had, a home, children, and a husband was something that I didn’t really have it all.

It’s funny that I miss and long for something that was an allusion for so long.

This is why I feel so empty - I surely didn’t have what I thought I had. I had nothing.

It feels as if God has taken me all around the game board, just to bring me back to square one - to make me focus on what’s really the point of it all - The proverbial “IT”!

HIM. 

In response to reading in Matthew 19:29 - The cost...
Is what we do, just merely passing time? All that we do, what we think “matters” - is it important? What importance is it really? What I do at work is indeed busywork. My interactions and my life outside of my job, I have always viewed this as being immensely more important than my job. My job is a calling, so I do it to the best of my ability and give it totally over to God to direct, so I do it for His glory, however, fortunately or unfortunately, my life outside of the calling, I do for my own pleasure sort of and too often direct myself and thus mess up royally.

So, what direction shall I take this new year, [2018]? I would rather sit and curl up in a fetal position under a cone and simply wait life out... I am weary.

I have tax stuff to do, student learning objective data to compile, both of which are meaningless... Their completion makes no difference in anyone’s life...

One daughter sits in her home - too anxious to go outside, too broken from poor choices... so fear rules her life, but what difference is there with indifference? When it seems that very little matters especially ones next step? 

People matter.

The problem is, most people haven’t read the BOOK and/or don’t believe in IT and so, care little about what others do as long as they get what they want and NOW!

The Dilemma:

Doing what matters for people who don’t care - only for themselves. 

How did God/Jesus do it? 

For me it’s like wading through a sea of indigo in an effort to accomplish a goal that is unknown. So do I do for me? When at this point - is an unknown... at least it’s not what I thought I was... because it was blown up due to circumstances totally out of my hands...

Sometimes I think about what if things didn’t blow up... what would I be doing? 

Living in the dream - but not knowing it... 

Where I presently am feels like an illusion. It still feels foreign - even after three years... The crazy thing I don’t know where I’d wake up and “find” myself. The only thing that has stayed the same is my job, family, (sort off), and friends, (some). 

Seeing the state of the world depresses me - having little to no influence is also saddening.

WOW:

It's hard to believe that was me nearly a year ago ...

Well I fought it tooth and nail, but, I did have "sessions"/therapy - aka - an objective sounding board -  ten in total - in six months - I was told I had come a very long way in a short time - In truth, Jesus had been working me over in my desert for two years prior - I had done a lot of thinking - a lot of listening to HIM.

So this is where I am today at the conclusion of 2018:

1. Who are you? 

I was a woman consumed with the now, the order of everyone’s life...

I am, a woman with deep wounds that are healed... There are very few scabs that remain - they flake off and what is revealed is a healthy pink flesh that is soft because of its newness, however, stronger, more resilient than before - it’s tighter. They are, a stigmata. However, not an ugly reminder of the pain but a testament to that which was conquered - like a newly formed pearl.

I am more sure of what I want and recognize when others are selfish and therefore I do not run towards it - I simply turn and walk away. 

I am pleased with my newness and no longer walk with my head down unless it’s bitter cold. I look most people in their eyes. I am GOLD to ME... :-)

I am pleased and look forward to silence - it is there, that I meet with God/Father, and He refreshes me... I feast on His Word and the simple gift of time.

I feel as if I have taken off the bandages-the false layers of expectations of others and my own mis-preconceived notions, (submissive), of who and what I’m supposed to be - when simply being a child of God is/was enough.

2. Where have you been? 

I used to be so good with numbers and dates . This is no longer me. I am beginning to believe that flexibility and less rigidity is my present direction, (my new where. Conversely - rigidity and inflexibility being the old where) - being concerned more with the moment rather than focusing on the past, (however understanding its lessons), and how I arrived. The point is - I am now. The question for the now is - how am I to be - answer: Gloriously Present! 

3. Where are you going?

I go wherever God directs... It is the future and Christ is already there, quietly anticipating, awaiting my arrival. 

It is my desire to live in a “new true” state - focusing on what God would have me do, understanding that He has equipped me for such a time a this...

In the power of Christ I stand ... till He returns or calls me home... I will stand! 

Last session 11/28/18 Six months

Wow!

The grace of God! Walking through the desert...

Final question: Define emotionally- "It’s okay, but not" - as it relates to my ex.

This means: Life is what it is - I’m angry at times, but I choose to move forward- not stew and allow the past nor the effects of the damage affect more than it naturally has. 

I choose to live past it... through it... in spite of it. By the grace of God!🙋🏾👸🏾🏃🏾‍♀️👉🏾❤️ Loved

Tori Kelly - Never Alone

I know... a bit much, (I never set out on writing as much as I do - it's a lot like my art - I don't stop until God says stop - so... 3-4 hours later...), but like I've always said you don't have to read what I write/share, but I'm glad you have. I hope it's a blessing.

Here's to 2019  - Smiling!

Nina B

Soli Deo Gloria

Another Hard Question...

Another Hard Question...
by Nina B.

Church... I know the poor is something that Jesus said, "....we would always have with us..."; but what do you do, since the context was, while He was with them then, (back then), take heart with Him, because the woman who was anointing Jesus had opportunity to do so then... However, now as Christ is with us now, what do we do now, when He gives us opportunity to do for the poor?

I rode the train home, as usual, after a long emotional week of just work stuff... I won't even begin to go into it, for it is too much, too deep, (but do pray - Father hears). I saw a young man of at least twenty something, bundled up, (yes, because it's cold) - but layered with what seemed like all he had, but, he also had a younger child, about eight years old, with him also layered up. Both carried backpacks that seemed over stuffed and other bags of sorts - stuffed. They both sat down at the opposite end of the train car - seemingly tired. They got off a few stops before mine...

What do you do? Because the poor will be always with us, what opportunity is in front of you...
church?

Soli Deo Gloria
Nina

Hard QUESTION

Hard Question: Why?
by Nina B.

I am really struggling with whether, (there's a word I don't use too often), or not to publish this post.

I know the answer to the question before I even set it to pen. Some of you will agree, many will not and have other opinions. For me there is only one that makes any sense and that is the lack of knowledge and love of Jesus.

People simply do not know JESUS.

Period.

People don't care to know Jesus and accept Him as God and Savior. Surely, people know about Him, but "submit" to Him?, like the Pastor said this morning - sadly, many would rather, (I use this word often), die a thousand deaths before saying Jesus is Lord.

I asked a passerby to take the pics for me.

I had such J O Y today! - Sunday, the 16th day in the year of our Lord 2018. The weather, (I check this out on an app nearly every morning). I walked to church arriving 40  minutes after I stepped foot outside my door. I chose to wear my teal colored cotton dress. It has a delicate print that is subtle. The neckline is close around my neck as are the sleeveless arms about my shoulders. The length is slightly below my knee, but swoops down a tad lower in the back. The cut is lightly fitted about my bustline and flairs from my waist, but the bottomline is I WAS DRESSED VERY MODESTLY, especially with my black cardigan sweater, so my arms were covered. I did wear flat sandals - Roman style, but just about my ankle.

See this is the struggle - I feel the problem must have been  with how I was dressed! However, I am not of the mind I need to be completely covered from head to toe. I am an American born, Black female. I look a tad younger than most women my age, but .... God has chosen to bless my genes with a youthful appearance.

I know this is taking a longer than normal set-up but PLEASE stick with me - because you may have an opinion that you may want to post at the end....

Some of you know I work and live and attend a church that are all ethnically diverse. I teach children that come from all over the globe. There are at least ten different people groups represented in my classroom every period. I can walk out of my door and stroll around my neighborhood and hear multiple different languages being spoken. And at church - there are so many different people represented that come together to worship Jesus Christ as Savior - it can only be compared to as a foretaste of Heaven - it's a very beautiful thing.

Early on in my employment, I learned what was respectful to different cultures. Far be it from me to be disrespectful to any culture - for this reason I rarely look an unknown male in the eye and often address the female - particularly during parent/teacher conferences. I know I do not have to do this but, I choose to do so, to show respect.

As the Bible teaches me to live at peace with all - this is my goal.

I know many of you are thinking - "Nina! Wake up! and see the roses dying! The world ain't a pretty place...  It's full of a whole lot of ugly..."

I know this folks - all to well... You know I do... Have you forgotten my posting from July 2016? The infamy day?....



This afternoon after church I decided to sit and draw samples for my sixth graders - I'm teaching perspective and composition. I sat by the lake in the shade and enjoyed the cool breeze and calm of the day. I had purchased a bag of raw almonds and had a spinach smoothie so I was good to go...

I worked for about 4 hours.... (Remember these are samples).

When I decided to leave, I walked very slowly back to my place. I should have sat on a blanket and not directly on those concrete blocks. I was achy, but I knew home, and my bean soup was waiting for me...

I decided to walk along the bike/jogging area because there wouldn't be sand and I would be out of the way of most people. The city has done a splendid job of widening the bike path, to include a third path for walkers and joggers. Kudos to the city of Chicago.

As I walked I simply thanked God for the blessing of such a beautiful day. I wasn't too hot, nor chilly. It was near perfect...




Then the storm came...



An older man, (60-70). Not American - but Middle-eastern yelled at me and called me an "ass hole!"

I was as shocked as some of you are, at the fact that I wrote it here.

I stopped in my tracks.... as he and his group continued to walk pass me. I turned. He had also stopped and looked back at me - and then continued walking. I wish I could say, I had a witty comeback. I wish I could tell you, I blessed him. I wish I could say, I at least yelled, 'Jesus loves you too...'

I was already walking on the line

There was plenty of room. - no bikers

I was almost in tears actually... Perhaps I was supposed to walk in the dirt, while his group of three men walk on the path.

Then it hit me...satan comes to rob you of your J O Y !

So, NO you DON'T satan!!!
Not this day!

satan, (I refuse to capitalize anything dealing with that wily snake...), has tried recently to steal my JOY. Just Friday when I was feeling JOY-FILLED I decided to walk literally the extra mile and got off at Loyola - two young women, wearing head coverings - I presume students; pushed me with their shoulders as I and only one other passenger attempted to exit the train. It was crazy. They were like linebackers with the ball. I wasn't trying to leap from a moving train and they in turn weren't attempting to leap on... But they just had to p u s h through me as if I weren't there.

And another time as I walked in the evening pass a mosque. Two young men were outside. One spat at me....

Then there was the young Black man who looked me in the face as I walked pass him and said directly at me, "You look fucked up!"

Lord, Jesus!

SIGH!

....And God pushes me out of my comfort zone into this mess... WHY?

My niece says I need to get a car!
I think that's avoiding the issue.

Flashback: God took my car away in July 2017 when He allowed the van driver to hit me from behind and totaled my car... and had me get out among the world... And until God drops a small car at my door... I know am supposed to be engaged in the battle - car or no car.

Does God want me to scream back at the world -"Jesus SAVES! JESUS LOVES!" ?

Probably.

QUESTIONS

At first I thought this all happened because I was Black, then I got to thinking - No... it's because I'm female...

Then ...

LIGHTBULB!

Folks so need Jesus!

These days are like the days of Noah.

Mankind is doing whatever they think to do... and they are depraved - indifferent to human life.

CHURCH, are you out there?

Last year I was out of sorts, because I often felt like I was in a moral vacuum - a space devoid of what is right, because no one seemed to be saying STOP - THIS IS ALL WRONG! The standard is God's Word! is what we should be measuring life by... But the church seemed to be in hiding... No one seems to be saying much... only "...what's wrong?... there's nothing wrong... see there is only good..."

Well, it's another year... and it's not better - it's worse. It really is. This is not a joke. The demons are around every corner. They are seeking to kill, steal, shatter hopes and dreams, wreck havoc and chaos and take as many to hell with them as possible...

Church since you know this is the case - WHY are we standing shocked... at my words?

I know you're out there - God does too - you are warriors  NOW!

Pray for me...
I'll pray for you


"they"/the enemies of God, are emboldened - because "they" know their time is near and their numbers are small, so "they" are looking for you...

But have NO FEAR! 
the name of
JESUS
makes him fail...


Soli Deo Gloria
Nina

Ephesians 6:10-20
The Armor of God

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. 19 Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

IMPACT by Nina B.

I started this post back in March...

Time!... It gets spent so quickly and I can't earn or buy more. My son pointed out that I may have maybe 10-20 more years left in me - that, if I were in the best of health. Hmmm, my dad died at 63, mom at 81... So, with what I've got left in me... what impact do I have on folks?

I've been thinking about IMPACT for a while... and at every turn the word comes back and smacks me in the face and causes me to consider my mindfulness... my personal accountability... at least, in the big to medium size events of life; not in the what-protein-powder-should-I-use-today-in-my-smoothie.... this is the little stuff of existence.

My question is what can I do to make a better difference? A better impact?

The way I see it, surely, people would consider taking other actions if only they would have - STOPPED -
...and considered the IMPACT of their choices. You know the choices - the ones you tend to feel funny about doing afterwards - the ones that you give a second thought to, or wake up the next morning with - like a bad taste in your mouth:

• Would you really wear that outfit?.... This is super minor, however, it's hard not noticing older women and men attempting to re-capture youth that has long...LONG... left the room.
• Would you really continue to flirt?... Knowing that you have absolutely no good intention...
• Would you be so dismissive about her concerns, but demand immediate assistance for whatever you think you need or want?
• Would you say what you did... and when you did... did you almost hear his gasp 
• Would you rush pass the woman struggling with her cart 
• Would you question her repeatedly, concerning inconsequential details, when the issue was so much bigger - you so sadly missed the point she was trying hard to make, because you were so lost in your own drive for pointless details...
• When you forgot something that really wasn't earth scattering - but you let go with a plethora of expletives within ear shoot of some kiddos... (Of course, even with the big forgotten somethings of life - it's still not okay to swear)
• ... And let's not forget the times when we don't do anything... like... we look the other way... Nothing - is an impact too! Like silence - it speaks volumes and ...can also be golden...

Do any of these examples strike a cord with you? There are so many more I could state, however, I don't think I need to belabor my point...

However, I do want you to consider the times you didn't even THINK your impact may have been damaging. These are the times we feel justified in whatever we did and said... We don't even consider relinquishing the "right" to justice... We just vomit all over the person who messed up our day.... or night... or the moment...

IMPACT...

If only...
....You gave a second thought and considered the IMPACT of a...

• Blessing instead of curse
• A prayer for someone who may not even believe that God exist - let alone have anyone to hold their name up to the Father. (This hit me one day - there are folks who don't know the Father and are surrounded by folks - who don't know the Father - so NO ONE is praying for any one! Riding the train - Ive met some very ...        lonely         and    b r o k   en   p e o p l     e...).
• A kind word
• A forgiving silence - you know this... It's when you look quietly at someone who has wronged you and the look you gave was not condemning, but forgiving...
• An outstretched hand
• A sigh
• A smile
• A nod of understanding
• A simple touch
• A hug... a shoulder
• A gift of some flowers...

Most folks might consider themselves to be "loving" - A good question to ask oneself - what good is love that no one shares?
Think about it..... How might you "share" your love, if you consider yourself to be loving? IMPACT!

Impact is up there with regrets, (regrets and impact are weird cousins), but stopping yourself just before you do or say something... is avoiding regrets...

So give some thought to your impact. Yes, it will take some work, re-training your mindset to not make the snap reaction. It will require you to move at a slower pace... It will require you to breathe... to think!

Imagine how much slower we would breathe if we knew - that the hyper-ventilating that we do when we're upset and "impacting" folks negatively - was taking seconds off our lives at a faster rate.

Just slow down - give a second thought, even a prayer... to your impact.

Taken 3/28/18 in the morning

Soli Deo Gloria