Steppin' Into Sixty and More...

Steppin' Into Sixty and More... and the End of the Year...
by Nina B.

See, I'm not a cartoon!

I recently celebrated my sixtieth birthday... I look in the mirror and wonder who is that looking back at me...
But, really it matters little, arriving at this milestone gives perspective - a view from a determined point. Looking back, or around me now or even into the future, I know without a doubt that I am so blessed. There isn't a moment that I can ever say, 'my God dropped the ball'. Truly! ... And this is even through all the ugly, (see the posting from July 2016).

Being surrounded by family and friends is how God permeates the fiber of my soul and I experience His presence - not simply "feel it"...It's like floating in water - He supports me and it is effortlessly for Him but definitely not without cost.... because He is GOD!

I've had to "free up" some space on my cell phone because I fill it with pictures of sunrises and grandchildren, (not what I eat), and my thoughts and questions as I wait and/or ride the train, so I'll share with cyberspace and send this out into the world praying that it will not return void, because it is Soli Deo Gloria... so here it goes... some closing "thoughts" and questions for 2018:

This one was just today, (12/26/18):

Is it human nature to suppose, that people stay in the same boxes we perceive them to always be in? Do we not ever suppose - or imagine the potential - or is that something we only give lip service to and thus expect people to fail to live up to something more or something different - so we set OUR expectation low SO WE'RE not disappointed? Whatever happened to dreaming or hoping... Isn't this all apart of the HOW we should love one another? The sad part is that too many people settle on themselves as well. I have learned the hard way - that you can not make someone want more for themselves - you can only pray for them - at a safe distance - least you too - get pulled downward.

And now something crazy:

I live in a world where....

...we flavor Styrofoam cups and ripple the edges and call them "Veggie Chips"...

...Old men wear dark sunglasses on gray rainy Sunday mornings...

... If you listen through the noise - you can still hear the birds sing...

...Men would rather walk down ugly alleys, rather than pretty grassy pathways.... *

...Children are not people but seen as things to be used - like chairs.

Questions that people posed to me that I thought worth considering because God spoke them and now I'm posing them to you - yes, you! :

HOW do you value You?

What do you sacrifice to be who and what you are?

Why don't you allow your children free-will as God allows you?

Are you a stoic? A person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining?

Why do you think you can atone for your sins and everybody else's - STOP trying to be perfect in an effort to compensate for sin, (you're not and God is and did)?  It's OKAY to experience joy and love and FORGIVENESS - in fact it's what God desires most for you.

In September, I:

...Realized many people simply do not listen and/or they simply do not care and they have their own agenda and IT only matters!

In June, I...:

Realized... I am often thought of as less than I am -
People look at me and say, "You can't be sixty years old..." I can't have been an English professor or ceramics prof. I can't be a mom to six successful adults, (I still call them my babies)... I could not have adopted four of them. They say, I can't be telling the truth, when I've come out of my apartment by the lake on a 95 degree day to hear a former student do a poetry reading, downtown. I can't be a health conscious person - who researches what I eat and drink and take into this temple... I can't be a person who exercises...
Sadly, some people say, I can't be anything but an anomaly, (a health professional told me this once upon a time - I no longer visit with this person), so therefore I can't simply be.
It's a chore to weave the correct words, so that I am clearly understood and not leave any room for misinterpretation, that I am indeed me, and there is so much more that has gone into the making of me.
Sigh...
In truth, I'd much rather be doing something else, rather than weaving words so others can understand/know - me...

From Nelda a Wise Woman...:

"God leads you where He wants you to go [even if], nobody else is going" [but you and Him - so relax].

Reflections:

We see ourselves through the dust, grease, and grime that life spews on windows as they speed by - on the train -
all the way to the world outside my train ride.
It's not much better.
I watch my reflection.
I watch others and catch glimpses of them watching me.
They turn away quickly, as I do.
Both of us not understanding - there's nothing wrong in a look...
A meeting of two unconnected people fearing a connection.
How silly is that?

Beauty Queens:

Weathered beauty wrapped up in layers of cloth - old and dusty... One never knows who has sat in the seat where you chose to sit.

More Questions from Jan. 2018:

1. What was your prayer for tonight?
2. What is a moment that you live in?
3. Why do you suppose people hate you?
4. Why do you believe in God after being so deeply hurt?
5. If you were a picture book, what type of colors would be used?
6. How have you been available to help a friend - emotionally?
7. How have you extended yourself on any given day - or do you give no thought to others?
8. Do you think of others?
9. If nothing were asked of you in conversation, would you be content to just sit and say nothing?
10. If you were asked to sing a song what would it be?

A Funny/Odd Thought JAN. 3 2018:

The thing that I thought I had, a home, children, and a husband was something that I didn’t really have it all.

It’s funny that I miss and long for something that was an allusion for so long.

This is why I feel so empty - I surely didn’t have what I thought I had. I had nothing.

It feels as if God has taken me all around the game board, just to bring me back to square one - to make me focus on what’s really the point of it all - The proverbial “IT”!

HIM. 

In response to reading in Matthew 19:29 - The cost...
Is what we do, just merely passing time? All that we do, what we think “matters” - is it important? What importance is it really? What I do at work is indeed busywork. My interactions and my life outside of my job, I have always viewed this as being immensely more important than my job. My job is a calling, so I do it to the best of my ability and give it totally over to God to direct, so I do it for His glory, however, fortunately or unfortunately, my life outside of the calling, I do for my own pleasure sort of and too often direct myself and thus mess up royally.

So, what direction shall I take this new year, [2018]? I would rather sit and curl up in a fetal position under a cone and simply wait life out... I am weary.

I have tax stuff to do, student learning objective data to compile, both of which are meaningless... Their completion makes no difference in anyone’s life...

One daughter sits in her home - too anxious to go outside, too broken from poor choices... so fear rules her life, but what difference is there with indifference? When it seems that very little matters especially ones next step? 

People matter.

The problem is, most people haven’t read the BOOK and/or don’t believe in IT and so, care little about what others do as long as they get what they want and NOW!

The Dilemma:

Doing what matters for people who don’t care - only for themselves. 

How did God/Jesus do it? 

For me it’s like wading through a sea of indigo in an effort to accomplish a goal that is unknown. So do I do for me? When at this point - is an unknown... at least it’s not what I thought I was... because it was blown up due to circumstances totally out of my hands...

Sometimes I think about what if things didn’t blow up... what would I be doing? 

Living in the dream - but not knowing it... 

Where I presently am feels like an allusion. It still feels foreign - even after three years... The crazy thing I don’t know where I’d wake up and “find” myself. The only thing that has stayed the same is my job, family, (sort off), and friends, (some). 

Seeing the state of the world depresses me - having little to no influence is also saddening.

WOW:

It's hard to believe that was me nearly a year ago ...

Well I fought it tooth and nail, but, I did have "sessions"/therapy - aka - an objective sounding board -  ten in total - in six months - I was told I had come a very long way in a short time - In truth, Jesus had been working me over in my desert for two years prior - I had done a lot of thinking - a lot of listening to HIM.

So this is where I am today at the conclusion of 2018:

1. Who are you? 

I was a woman consumed with the now, the order of everyone’s life...

I am, a woman with deep wounds that are healed... There are very few scabs that remain - they flake off and what is revealed is a healthy pink flesh that is soft because of its newness, however, stronger, more resilient than before - it’s tighter. They are, a stigmata. However, not an ugly reminder of the pain but a testament to that which was conquered - like a newly formed pearl.

I am more sure of what I want and recognize when others are selfish and therefore I do not run towards it - I simply turn and walk away. 

I am pleased with my newness and no longer walk with my head down unless it’s bitter cold. I look most people in their eyes. I am GOLD to ME... :-)

I am pleased and look forward to silence - it is there, that I meet with God/Father, and He refreshes me... I feast on His Word and the simple gift of time.

I feel as if I have taken off the bandages-the false layers of expectations of others and my own mis-preconceived notions, (submissive), of who and what I’m supposed to be - when simply being a child of God is/was enough.

2. Where have you been? 

I used to be so good with numbers and dates . This is no longer me. I am beginning to believe that flexibility and less rigidity is my present direction, (my new where. Conversely - rigidity and inflexibility being the old where) - being concerned more with the moment rather than focusing on the past, (however understanding its lessons), and how I arrived. The point is - I am now. The question for the now is - how am I to be - answer: Gloriously Present! 

3. Where are you going?

I go wherever God directs... It is the future and Christ is already there, quietly anticipating, awaiting my arrival. 

It is my desire to live in a “new true” state - focusing on what God would have me do, understanding that He has equipped me for such a time a this...

In the power of Christ I stand ... till He returns or calls me home... I will stand! 

Last session 11/28/18 Six months

Wow!

The grace of God! Walking through the desert...

Final question: Define emotionally- "It’s okay, but not" - as it relates to my ex.

This means: Life is what it is - I’m angry at times, but I choose to move forward- not stew and allow the past nor the effects of the damage affect more than it naturally has. 

I choose to live past it... through it... in spite of it. By the grace of God!🙋🏾👸🏾🏃🏾‍♀️👉🏾❤️ Loved

Tori Kelly - Never Alone

I know... a bit much, (I never set out on writing as much as I do - it's a lot like my art - I don't stop until God says stop - so... 3-4 hours later...), but like I've always said you don't have to read what I write/share, but I'm glad you have. I hope it's a blessing.

Here's to 2019  - Smiling!

Nina B

Soli Deo Gloria