Speaking of school... God knows exactly how I learn...
My mother used to have an expression for people who were hard-headed learners, "... You don't believe fat meat is greasy... You need to see the grease running!" For some folks, seeing is believing just as experience is the best teacher... school of hard knocks... You just gotta love those turns of phrases - idioms... They are SO to the point, when you're not the brightest crayon in the box... Like using CAPITALS or ellipsis.... or italics or bold print - these tactics sometimes get your attention and make the point... Sometimes not.
I was somewhere in the mix of these thoughts...
I recall being eighteen, just barely on the cusp of being a young woman, (this was back in the 70's when being 18 was adulthood kinda, at least more so than now). I declared emphatically, I was never getting married and never having children... I did both... God knew I was not too dependent upon Him. I was the mistress of my own universe and I probably could have coined the term and foolishly believed, "I got this!" Folks have difficulty taking me now... They should be thanking God they didn't know me then and feel sorry for those who did... I foolishly believed, 'I knew it all'. Oh ....and I was right!
I know, typical for the age, however, still annoying.
....But it wasn't supposed to be "that way"... Not - my way...
It's not that I had so much of a pompous attitude - I didn't flaunt my greatness... I just didn't engage with people and had my world running like a fine tuned Swiss watch... Tick... tick... tick... The control thing was/is how I ruled the craziness in my world after being raped as a child and keeping the despectable madness under wraps til.... At 22, I abdicated my throne to my husband and submitted to his will, (usually without question, (what happened to that 18 year old with spunk? '... Love was blind, deaf, and dumb...'. Read the July 2016 posting - again!)).
...But it wasn't supposed to be this way either... Following something created... like me, something flawed...
It would have been 39 years as of August16, but; things went sour at a lightening speed at year 35 and then I was standing in divorce court on 11/23/2016, ...
Ah... the reasoning for this post... That jump from year 35... to the present... It's not supposed to be this way... Like the occasional burnt popcorn that you eat after microwaving a bag... It looks all good then you take a handful... then... you chew and taste... burnt popcorn... Agh!
Let me explain...
That spunky 18 year old, mistress of her universe - nope wasn't supposed to be... God the Father was listening ever so closely to me when I made my declaration and said to Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the angelic host... whoever was in earshot of His gasp when I spoke my words, "... No she didn't"... If God has a face... one eyebrow went down and the other up... His head was cocked slightly upward
and that look of disbelief and shock was on His face; at the foolish utterances of His beloved child,
(by the way... No. God was not shocked at what I said, but I want you to get His face... If he had one...). He continued, "... That girl needs a wake-up call... Get my lesson book... She does not believe fat meat is.... She need a lesson on a humble spirit... She needs to have a tiny bit of an understanding of what I go through - just for her... Especially since she thinks she's in control! Mistress?! - My foot!"
God speaking: "Not getting married... WRONG.... Married... Not gonna have children... WRONG again! She thinks five is a full quiver... Let's give her six, cuz 'she's got it all together' ... Right! NOT!"
God Sighs... " Okay... Enough... I think she's getting it... Her spirit is strong and intact and her will is broken... Her will is aligning with Mine... She's becoming usable... Her heart is more pliable. She sees that training, rearing, teaching children is way more than a juggling act... It's about the sacrifice and the resurrection. You can't be THE ONE and be in control and be all knowing when children have free will... Nina, you can't be god."
God speaking some more: "Beloved you can't see the future, the direction for the children I gave you... They are for you as much as you are for them... I planned this a long time ago...I know everyones direction... I know exactly how it's supposed to go... I know what it's going to take for you all to see Me! Even when it makes no sense to you..."
Me speaking: Cuz God has got this. I believe this, as sure as I know that, this world that we live in, is not supposed to be this way. I live in a sin-sick world. People, which I am one - mess up stuff ALL OF THE TIME! We mess up life even when it's not the intent... When it is the intent, it's selfish sin and evil or stupidity, not so much ignorance... Just think about it... Think about what you do... I know what I do and I admit it - I sin - everyday... not constantly, but throughout the day... It's embarrassing to me, because I say it loudly - I AM A CHRIST FOLLOWER! and not a very good one. Worst yet, it's heartbreaking to God as He reminds me, "Nina it's not supposed to be that way... I sent my Son, Jesus to pay the price for that sin...". I repent, I acknowledge the sin... eventually... say, I'm sorry and walk in His forgiveness... till the next time... (and He forgives every time - no matter how many times - I sin and repent...)
Which brings me to the other side of the coin... Life! This life... truly, isn't supposed to be this way. God had something else planned - then Eve listened to a "talking serpent" and thought she could be in charge, (that mistress of the universe thing, when it was a new thought!)... And Adam, abdicated his throne and said, "Ok dear - I'm here, right behind you..." And after sinning they thought the beautiful, perfect bodies God gave them; were shameful, (aside: This is when sensuality became sinful folks - right there in the Garden!). They thought, leaves that they pulled from a living plant; that would eventually wither and die; would do the job better than God's handiwork... (Like - what made them think that was gonna work? Momma used to say to me all of the time, when I did stupid stuff,... "Who told you to think?" Not that thinking is wrong, but what I thought was so wrong... Stupid! I guess she figured, someone out there in our neighborhood, must have told me what they thought and it sounded like a good idea to me, so I jumped on it!)
Heavy sigh!
It wasn't supposed to be this way...
And just as Adam and Eve's minds were cluttered with deceit and questions that lead to confusion - at the conversation and questions of the talking serpent... All they had to do was go to Father GOD and inquire... All they had to do was ask... Our minds today are over the top full of stuff that we try so hard to understand we scream, "I Got This!" Ad nauseam... and we don't! We don't even come close and like dear Adam and Eve,... we don't ask Father God... We don't talk to Him at all...
It's not supposed to be this way...
I get it...
Free will...
When we don't seek out God... When we've tried everything under the sun, to fix stuff, to make us happy... to achieve success... to be our own master and mistress of our universe... When we scream,... I did it my way... and it's still a mess... People!... before it's too late... TURN to GOD and let Him save you and love you and teach you,... answer your questions,... be your friend, ...be your Father,... be your God... be your everything, (cuz He's God and can). In Jesus' name...
Soli Deo Gloria
Nina
No comments:
Post a Comment