The vast majority of my lady friends and acquaintances have children who are adults, (25- 40+), and those children have children of their own - so we are grandmothers. Being a grandmother is special - totally different from being a mom. I have no desire to re-do my failed parenting, but do enjoy the precious time that I get to spend with the grand babies. I don’t take it for granted and so focus mainly on the grandchildren in ways that I couldn’t as a mom to my adult children, when we were all younger… which is a nice transition to my topic…
When I was a mom of children…
This is a reflective piece (something I’ve pondered/chewed upon), that I believe is universal, because moms are motherly no matter the culture or country. Like dear Mary, the mother of our Lord Jesus; she “…pondered them in her heart.” This means Mary thought about what was being said, (the them), of her newly born Son, Jesus, via shepherds, (no less), who found them in a manger, because the angel of the Lord, then a multitude of heavenly host of angels; gave them the best news ever -Luke 2:8-20. Imagine that, shepherds, (the outcast workers of the day), being graced with such news… We should all be so willing to glorify and praise God “…for all the [Good News] Things [we have heard]”… but I digress, again.
Speaking for myself and the moms I know, we developed and/or grew into the sacrificial beings we were. I say were not because we do not sacrifice now - it’s just different now. We sacrifice now only when we receive “the call…” Before we sacrificed because it was our only reaction to everything and everyone about us at any given moment. This was a time of utter exhaustion, (add in working multiple jobs outside the home, volunteering at church and shelters, managing schedules … stuff), but we didn’t stop - we just plowed on through to the next need…We were burdened with the physical and emotional weight of our children - their mixed baggage of unsettled emotional turmoil of youth. If our children were not in chaos/conflict with us at any particular moment, then it was with a sibling, or their friend/school, or the trifecta - a combination of all three… Now as 65-75 year old women, we think occasionally about ourselves. In this we give consideration to our thoughts when we sit still.
Ponder.
For myself, I think a lot about the past… Because my adult children tell me about their perceptions of their past, (as if I weren’t there), and seem to want “reparations” of sorts. Not monetary, but something intangible that makes up for what they feel, they were deprived of during childhood. Feelings are not necessarily factual, (not based on reality), and are colored by time and whom, whose ear is listening… Some listening ears like trauma bonding and make an issue out of what really was not and so create a mess - for the adult child - that listening ear, (aka - a friend of the adult child who has no life, but I keep silent about their friend choices because after all, they are adults and can choose whomever they desire to have in their inner circle… Oddly, our children do share their opinions about our friends…Hmmm)…
Reparations.
It’s not enough to acknowledge I was so far out of the ball park of what was perceived as needed… and that I am deeply sorry about all that was wrong, not given, every mis-spoken word, undeserved paddling, every missed moment, the stuff I forgot… every brunt cookie… for everything… But, saying sorry doesn’t seem to be enough, ever, either, (I’ve apologized multiple times)… and so… To ask as Nicodemus did of Jesus about the physically impossible - No adults can not re-enter into their mother’s womb… Re-birth is definitely a spiritual matter. Likewise, in the case of my adult children seemingly, wanting to return to the past to right the wrongs… it still is a spiritual matter.
The adult children do need to return to Father God for healing, because just like Nicodemus returning to his mom; it’s not going to work. Mom is not the source of the good life and restoration - only Jesus is.
Still, I’ve done some thinking on how I could offer reparations to my adult children and IF it were in my power - it is good it is not - but if it were - never being born myself seems to be the only answer to make everything right for them, because they - then, would never have been mothered by me. Their problems, shortcomings, missed needs, neglect, hurt, abuse, everything wrong with their lives would never exist. And of course nothing good would as well… The myriad of positives they would have had with others would never exist either - so much missed joy… It’s called life - good and bad.
Life is messy since the fall, (and that’s putting it very nicely). We all miss the mark. Adult children seem to only see the specks in dear mother’s eye and totally neglect the beams in their own…
NEWSFLASH!!! We did not parent perfect children.
We perpetuated the sin nature when we were born and so in our children did the same… and did they grow out of it? No!.. But, immersed themselves and totally embraced it like wearing something stylish… like, “Doesn’t this sin look good on me?” We all did. Sadly.
BUT - sin nature and all - we as moms still L O V E D you sacrificially and tried our best - even when exhausted- to be what we could never be - perfect… We were just - enough …and for this we are sorry and truly acknowledge all that we tried at and failed … Sometimes when I listen to my adult children, there was never any good… no good memories…
Sigh…
… But what of now?
Moving forward from this day… My intention is not to deny anything, (feelings included),… but, I won’t bring up your stuff ... I abandoned it long ago - every time I’ve held you in my arms… and how about you- try to walk across that bridge into tomorrow - with me. This life is really short… time is precious now, in truth it always has been. I know mothering was a season and seasons change, but your mom, I’ll always be.
Get Jesus my loves… Your perception of so much will improve as will your heart - for an eternity. The heavy burdens you carry - Jesus took them to the cross. Truly… He really did.
Soli Deo Gloria
Nina aka Your mom always ❤️
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